Mark Murphy is a two-time member of the club that no one wants to join – Gold Star families. For them, EVERY day is Memorial Day.
Mark’s son Shawn was a champion wrestler who wanted to serve his nation. He became a paratrooper after having to “tap out” out of special forces training due to a case of mononucleosis. Two weeks before Christmas, Shawn was deployed downrange in Iraq. Mark’s 13-year-old son Spencer came down to the basement to tell him there were “two guys in fancy suits” at the front door. As a unit Commander, it was not unusual for Mark to have personnel call on him at home. But that night he came upstairs and found an Army Casualty Notification Team. Shawn had been killed in action. “My wife was upstairs watching TV, and at that moment for her, her son was still alive. I had to go upstairs and tell her. The sound that Tania made when I told her will haunt me for the rest of my days.”
Spencer would go on to join the Navy and qualify for the elite submarine service. He continued to deal with issues from the loss of his brother Shawn. He became isolated during COVID and “imploded”. Mark received a suicidal email from Spencer and “the worst hour and a half of my life was being an Albuquerque and trying to find someone in Maryland to get to Spencer and save him.” Spencer would take his life in the parking lot of the local police station.
Mark was asked to fly to Washington to brief a group of flag officers because he has been on both sides of the casualty notification coin, both as a family member and as a notifying officer.
We discuss the differences between losing a son in combat and losing a son to suicide. While losing a child can destroy marriages, Mark and Tania’s relationship has only strengthened after losing two sons.
TAKEAWAY: “The idea of getting back to where you were is bunk. The trick is to figure out the owner’s manual to who you are now. Accept that you have some damage and find a way to make the new you work.”
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